Let Down

Have you ever had the experience of getting excited and feeling upbeat and energized, only to feel let down and disappointed? I remember when I was very young, like 7 or 8 years old, I don’t think anyone ever made a bigger deal out of Christmas and Santa Claus than I did. I went nuts over the whole thing. I don’t even know why honestly when I look back on it. I felt I had a special relationship with Santa Claus (it was in my head of course) and there were special miniature ceramic red Santa boots that I would put above the fireplace along with love notes, gratitude and appreciation notes and toys for Santa to have for himself like my favorite barbie stick on books and toys. I was worried that Santa wasn’t getting enough appreciation or anything back for all the work he did. And I would wait by the Christmas tree with my blankets and pillows for days before Christmas and just imagine in anticipation the magic of him coming down the chimmey and fireplace and all the magical Santa dust that would be everywhere when he came and went. I used to try to stay up all night and make my brothers stay up by tree in excited anticipation for him. I never made it and would fall asleep along with my brothers, but then would be ready to bound awake again by 3am to wait by the tree. Christmas Eve was a night of magic and wonder, the one day a year that I knew in all my heart there was a connection to magic and incredible things outside of a lot of the pain and challenges that I saw on a regular basis or things that hurt me like my Dad’s chronic absence from working 100 hour weeks, and my Mom’s very severe chronic depression that was largely debilitating to her, or being in charge of taking care of my brothers since I can’t remember when, maybe since age 5 or 6 years old and making food for everyone at the stove, babysitting, helping my brother with his behavioral and violence issues, and changing diapers when needed. My Mom used to say that since I was 5 years old she felt I was mature like an adult and didn’t really need her, and my Dad I would argue treated me like a mini-him or otherwise didn’t really know how to treat a child. With Santa I didn’t feel alone, I knew there was magic and someone incredible who came and loved me and took care of kids and would bring presents and bring love and light once a year.  

But like other things, every high has a low in this world. And Christmas over time became my greatest joy and greatest pain. So bizarre but true. I found my love and appreciation notes, the special ceramic Santa boots, and the toys I would give to Santa so he would also get something special in my Moms drawers one year and my world was shattered. Somehow she convinced me that Santa and her had an arrangement where she held onto things for him. But eventually, it became clear. Also, I found that I would receive gifts like socks, sweatpants, t-shirts, or clothes that were too big for me. My brothers would make or give gifts, and mom seemed detached and like she had gone through the motions to get gifts and my Dad was exhausted and always had to work Christmas but tried his best to get good gifts and be interactive. But I ended up feeling disappointed and hurt like Santa didn’t really care about me, and then later my parents were going through the motions and my brothers were just self absorbed. The moment that took the cake was probably around age 9 years old when my favorite doll I had with me everywhere, Kristin, I felt was real and was one of my friends. My brother ripped her head off and took her stuffing out to show me she wasn’t real and to make me feel I was totally alone. Oddly enough it’s still sad for me when I think about it decades later.  

You may wonder, why is she discussing these sad memories. Well first I just want to say there are much much greater tragedies in life than my silly Santa Claus Christmas and Kristin doll stories…and there have been much much great travesties in my own life. That’s not why I mention these things. I mention these things because I am so thankful and grateful now for the attachment I had and then was broken. They were kind of like baby lessons for disappointment and being let down. I had to learn that the magic of Santa and all the ideas around it were actually coming from me. I was the source of the magic and specialness and excitement. The magic of my doll Kristin and how I projected a lot of emotions and anthropomorphized her was coming from me. That connection and special relationship I felt to my doll was in my imagination. The connection and my special relationship I had with Santa Claus came from me! So, the great fantastic news is I can gleam from this the wisdom that I never actually have to feel disappointed ever again. I say this in the sense that I figured out that I was the one that got myself to that emotional high, and then I was the one that got myself to that emotional low of disappointment. If I can do that with imaginary, made-up things, I can certainly learn to do that in my everyday life.  

So, what does this look like in terms of adult living now, with all of its great travesties. I have since those days experienced much trauma and great sadness around the holidays, however, I also know how to maintain a level of happiness in spite of anything that may occur. To this day, my absolute most favorite, best Thanksgiving was one that I was alone in my 1 bedroom apartment with my little dog binge watching movies and eating multiple plate fulls of Thanksgiving dinner I made myself. Honestly! That particular Thanksgiving there was supposed to be family visiting from different locations but the day before there were health and travel issues and so no one was able to come. And I loved it! That’s not to say I dream of spending Thanksgiving alone, not at all. What I’m saying is that someone could be disappointed they made enough Thanksgiving food for 4 people and no one came or they can turn it into a little self-care day and relaxation and rest party. That’s what I did! I wasn’t being delusional about it either, I really loved it. Another Christmas holiday, nearly all of the food that was made was things I was allergic to. I can’t have milk, gluten, lemon or walnuts because it causes breathing problems, anaphylaxis and celiac issues for me. However, in spite of that the family members that made the Christmas meal made walnut brownies, mashed potatoes with crème, vegetables with cheese, bread, ice cream and pies that were made from milk, wheat and lemon. It was almost like it was intentional lol And when confronted about it they acted like they completely forgot and had no idea. Was it hurtful? Was it confusing and made me feel like the person in charge of the Christmas food member wanted me to die from anaphylaxis or at least get very sick? Well yes! It was quite the slap in the face. But again, this is still very minimal compared to other travesties that have happened. Yet, I decided to go ahead and make my own potatoes from scratch and make sure I had a portion of meat that I could eat, and found some dark chocolate I could eat. Was it perfect? Not at all. But I was flexible and decided to focus on how much I liked the food I did have.  

My point is, the holidays can be a wonderful time and they mostly are for me now because I have learned from past experiences on how to navigate things. Would I have preferred different experiences for some things? Yes of course, but instead I got an even better lesson. I learned that I can generate within myself everything I need and to not expect too much from others. Oddly enough, when we generate things within ourself and take care of ourselves, it also shifts the dynamics and creates a more uplifting experience overall. You become like Teflon, and stuff bounces off of you and you can still maintain a positive state and be loving and kind. This holiday season, I don’t have expectations other than for myself to practice staying in a high vibration state, whatever happens and to take care of myself no matter what. So this year, if Christmas consists of nothing at all I can eat, and I get socks and sweatpants, I am ok. I will order Chinese take-out and buy myself a nice gift. I now that I am there for me, and I love myself. I have learned that to remain in a higher vibrational state around others, I need to maintain a level of loving detachment and not expect anything. Many people don’t have much love and energy to give and are needing love and energy. If you can be the generator of love, kindness, compassion and detachment yourself, both you and others will be uplifted no matter what is happening during this holiday season. So so much love to you!! Happy Holidays!!