Why is there sadness sometimes at the holidays? Have you ever noticed this?? I have been flooded with clients the last couple weeks that are having severe depression, sadness and suicidal ideation. I would like to say this is unusual but unfortunately, it’s not. I tend to see spikes in suicidal ideation, severe depression and general sadness not only around the holidays but also at times of the year such as Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, weddings, buying a house, having a baby, birthdays and Valentine’s Day. A famous concept in psychology is an idea that came from a German psychologist where our unhappiness with ourselves and our lives comes from comparing our life to an idea of how we think things ‘should be’ versus what they are. An issue with comparison and unhappiness is there is literally no limit on the flaws and issues we can find in situations. When we train our minds to scan the environment for issues, guess what, that is exactly what we tend to see more and more of. When we train our mind to scan for the good and what we appreciate, it is also more of what we see.
However, of course there are also issues related to trauma, extreme stress and challenges. But trauma, stress and other experiences can also be relative. It partially depends on what we believe to be true and acceptable.
A very practical example with this is looking at eating disorders. With many eating disorders, individuals have an image in their mind of how they ‘should’ look and compare this hypothetical image to the image they see of themselves in the mirror. Also, I should add, it is literally impossible to match the image or to match it for very long. It’s a moving target or impossible goal. This can also be a helpful comparison for things like holidays, special occasions, etc. The sadness I generally see, seems to come from the comparison I find people making between how they feel their lives should be versus what they actually are. Feeling they should have everything be just a certain way, but one thing doesn’t quite match up. Or that their lives are wildly off-base from where they feel they ‘should be.’ So how do we get from experience “A” in our lives to experience “B” in our lives? Well one exercise I have seen be helpful is ‘future you’ jumping. I am going to do it right now! It is about a 5-minute meditation.
Please close your eyes..rocks with ocean…garden with current and future self.
I find this exercise to be helpful for people to have more hope and see a bigger picture.
Another way to give yourself a boost out of the Red Zone is to get out of the house if you can. Maybe do something creative, something different, or something with positive energy people or activities. Just like food and drink, what we expose ourselves to, we ingest into our system. Also, the habituated behaviors we engage in, tend to create a pattern of energy that often reinforces itself. With Red Zone emotions, the deeper you go in, the harder and more strength it often takes to get out. Or some kind of major wake-up call where you never want to be in the Red Zone again if you can help it.
Another way to give yourself a boost out of the Red Zone is to get out of the house if you can. Maybe do something creative, something different, or something with positive energy people or activities. Just like food and drink, what we expose ourselves to, we ingest into our system. Also, the habituated behaviors we engage in, tend to create a pattern of energy that often reinforces itself. With Red Zone emotions, the deeper you go in, the harder and more strength it often takes to get out. Or some kind of major wake-up call where you never want to be in the Red Zone again if you can help it.
Another practice I find that is helpful is if you can, to get moving! Get out and take a walk, do some yoga, ride an indoor bike. I don’t really care, whatever you can do, do it! Even 5 minutes makes a difference. A lot of people tell me they don’t have energy to be active or they are too tired or are not motivated to exercise or even leave the house. Giving into your low levels of motivation will not help you reduce sadness or depression. I have never seen someone magically become much happier about their life but spending a majority of time inside, in their rooms or in bed. There is a momentum that builds up with these things and tends to reinforce and perpetuate itself. Sometimes we need something to wake us up and snap us out of our funk or self-reinforcing emotional state that can become cyclic. In my sessions I use an emotion chart I created with a ‘red zone’, ‘green zone’ and ‘blue zone’ for emotions. The ‘Red Zone’ is the destructive emotions part and these tend to be self-reinforcing if we like it or not. I find they are heavy, sticky and keep people stuck. Sadness, depression, low motivation, apathy, helplessness, etc. These are all major Red Zone emotions that reinforce themselves and keep you stuck in cycles.
As Einstein says, “energy cannot be created or destroyed, but it can only be changed from one form to another.” Another way of putting this, is it’s more of the ‘old way’ to think that depression and sadness is cured by just eliminated the symptoms. What if another way of understanding this is that we are not trying to wipe out the ‘bad feelings.’ Rather we are seeing the painful emotions as feedback for something we don’t like and want to change. If you have resistance to changing it and seem attached to it, that could be something else to look at too. Do you like being unhappy? Do you prefer sadness, depression, low motivation and feeling stuck? Maybe you do. And that’s ok too. But sometimes it’s better to acknowledge this that fight it. Seeing yourself for who you really are, someone that prefers to be unhappy, can be actually very liberating.
So, if you prefer to be in the Red Zone, maybe the only step you need to take here is to realize and acknowledge that. You don’t even have to change anything, just be honest with yourself and let go of the pressure to change. If you want to change, you will have to do something differently. If it’s your mindset, behaviors, or something. This requires a certain amount of discipline. Discipline is not something that fun at first, but it’s something you force yourself to do. So start with where you are at. What can you change today, if you want to be Red Zone free, to feel better. If you know getting out of the house or exercise would help, force yourself to do it. Even if it’s just 5-10 minutes. Force yourself every day. This is how we create new patterns and habits. Feeling sorry for ourselves, does not usually help in the long term with creating a positive life. Pushing ourselves and discipline helps to shifts and enact new energetic patterns and cycles to boost us more in the direction of where we actually want to be.
Forcing yourself to have new practices, more discipline and pushing yourself a bit is the most compassionate thing you can do. It is telling yourself, I deserve more than this, I am going to step up and fight for myself to have more. The practice of incremental, small discipline, day in and day out will change an entire life.
Thank you so much! If you’d like to contact me I can be reached at
www.drsaraspowart.com. Wishing you all much love, happiness, joy, peace and all the blue zone emotions!
